I went to confession yesterday, and it really want's that bad. I found that I wasn't all that nervous,, but it was more like a feeling of intense anticipation that I really can't describe. I went during regular hours, and made the offer to everyone that came in after me to get in front of me, since it was my first time and I might take a while. One nice lady in her 60s said to take my time - she had converted when she was 19, and remembered the anxiety she had over her first confession, and that she'd be praying for me.
So it was finally my turn. I brought a list with me, and I'm glad I did. I thought I was going to be confident and strong, but I could hear my voice cracking and shaking, and after a few things, my mind became a total blank. Father didn't seem to mind, and gave me some advice on how to avoid some of the specific sins I said I was still struggling with. He absolved me, gave me my penance, and that was that.
For me, there have been three major stumbling blocks in coming into the Catholic Church, making me question whether this was right for me. The first was Mary, and all the devotion shown to her. I'm not going to go into great detail, but the Blessed Mother herself addressed this concern for me in a way that I can't possibly argue with. The second was the True Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. An hour at Adoration solved that - He was definitely in that Host, and He gave me all the proof I needed. The third, of course, was confession.
Why should I have to confess my sins to a priest, I thought? What good could it possibly do? A LOT. Let me tell you, I had so many things that I've been carrying around on my conscience for years. No, I've never killed anyone, or anything like that. But for a lot of my adult life, I was a not-so-nice person. I like to think I'm a totally different person than I was 5 years ago, but in the back of my mind were all the bad things I did. No, I never killed anyone, or anything that extreme. But I definitely needed Christ's saving grace.
I can't tell you how good I did feel as I got up to walk out of that confessional. I felt like I had a wound on my soul that finally healed completely. It's like how football players sometimes get nagging injuries that won't go away- that's what it was like before. Now, I'm all healed up, and I feel good inside. I don't WANT to sin, but I know I'm human, and I will, and I'm looking forward to taking advantage of this great Sacrament again.
So, now I've got 6 days until Vigil. I really can't wait - I don't see how this can't possibly be one of the best days of my life.